Mom and Son: Boys To Men

 

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This is a niche market. It's a niche market that adversely impacts so many families and it impacts the mother. It impacts the father, whether he's in the household or not, the son and any siblings that may be attached. So even though this problem affects the whole family, our focus is on the mother even though we talk a lot about the son. Why?

 

Because over the years after witnessing so many mothers spoil or enable their sons, I don't want to sit back and watch anymore. The Lord is calling me to have a stronger faith so that we can take back our families and we can take back our communities.

 

By listening to the mothers, by training mothers to stop enabling these young men, to stop spoiling these young men. Because as they are being spoiled and enabled, they are not as a productive. Yeah, let's say that, they're not as productive citizens. They're not the productive family men they can be. They are not as effective in the community as they could be. I've really been working on watching my words and really trying to speak things by faith. And so, I'm trying to be careful. 

 

But I want to talk a little bit today about responsibility. And this is really serious, and I understand the magnitude of it and how hard it can be for a mother, especially if this foundation had not been laid when the boy was young. So at the school that I've found, Solid Foundation, our students have jobs. And we can always tell just by the jobs that they do or you know, what they're doing if they actually do work at home. Now, some boys work and they don't mind working. But we've had young men who didn't even know how to sweep a floor or close up a trash bag and I'm talking about in high school. And would even run if you asked them to do it. But then, on the contrary, there are some boys that you can tell that have responsibilities at home because they love to help out at school and they're good at what they do. They'll ask you if you need some help. It says a lot when a young man will sit and watch you go by and you know, not open the door for you or watch you walk up to the door or to your car with a bunch of bags in your hand. Because you know, educators tend to carry a lot of bags. And so, these young men can see you doing that and just look at you, you know. 

 

So overall you can kind of tell the young men that exhibit those behaviors, you can tell which ones are lazy, which ones are accustomed to doing work. And you really already know kind of how the mother is based on the son's actions and his reactions at school. You have to remember that your sons spend most of the day a good bit of the day at school. And I know by the time they get to middle school and high school, they're changing teachers. But you know, for the most part, I know in our school or in self-contained classrooms where there's the student stays in the classroom all day, the teacher knows that child. And the best thing to do is really develop a rapport with that teacher and kind of get that homeschool approach going. So, you know, in some instances we hear mothers say that they wish that their son did work at home like he does at school because they can see, you know, the jobs that they're doing. And you know, many times we compliment the mothers on what the sons are doing at school. But some they'll do it at school, but they won't do it at home. 

 

And what I have found is many of the young boys won't do it at home because there is a level of distrust or mistrust in what they do. So whereas we can get away with it just a little bit more. But at home, you know, sometimes mothers can be very critical and critical to the point where the young man doesn't want to do anything because he feels like she's just going to criticize him for it. So, he'd rather not do it because he knows that he's not going to do it to her satisfaction. And many times, mothers will do it. They'll say, "boy give me this thing", you know, "give me this trash you got had the trash hanging out, I'll take it out." You know, and so we keep undoing what we're trying to do because it's not done to our satisfaction. And that's something that we have to change because we want to make sure that we're giving them opportunities to get better, at what they do. And sometimes you might not say good, but you might want to say, okay, that was better. That was a lot better than the last time. And just keep that because you are training a man as much as you possibly can. 

 

So one of the things that we have found is that, if we don't start allowing these young men to have good opportunities to develop their level of responsibility, it's going to be difficult for them to thrive in society or even provide a stable financial existence for themselves and or for their families. Or as a result, they're going to be on your couch or they may still be in their same room at your house, at 40 years old. But that's because that's what mom cultivated him to do, or that's how she cultivated him to be, because she never really gave him opportunities to grow up because she did everything. 

 

So, I personally have had conversations with many of our parents about this over the years because I want women to stop the toxic behavior with their sons because it hurts me when I see this. You know, ultimately I want our young men to become productive citizens in society without their mothers hindering their progress towards becoming a man. And it's challenging sometimes, I have a son myself and you know, this program is helping me too, with my son because it's different. You know, it's different because they're boys and you think that they know certain things, but they have to be trained. They have to be given opportunities to be trained. And it's easier for the girls because we are girls ourselves. We still have girls on the inside of us, you know, we're just big girls. So it's, you know, technically a lot easier to relate. And in many ways, it's easier to relate to boys on a girl level, but when it's time to help them to grow up, many mothers struggle with this when it comes to the sense of responsibility. Not all women, but many women, believe me when I tell you.

 

So, a friend of mine, we had a conversation, I’ll say a while ago, maybe a couple of years ago. We were talking about responsibility because her sister had just passed away unexpectedly 53 or 54 years old. And she had boys, two boys that lived with her. And technically they should have been men, you know, boys to men ready to go out of the household. I want to say like 18 and one maybe 17 and 15 or maybe 17 and 18. It was something like that. They were 16 and 19. And what happened was the boys were really distraught over their mother's death because they weren't ready. They weren't really being raised as men and being prepared to go out. And so even though they were like 16 and 19, they were probably more mentally, like 12 and 14. And nobody really, I mean, we all feel like we're going to live forever or until we're old, but you really don't know. And the best advice I can give to you is to raise that young man as if you're going to be gone tomorrow. What would happen to him? What would he know how to do? You know, some women think the opposite. They feel like I have to do this for him because he can't do it for himself or he's gotten so used to me doing it. I'm just going to keep on doing it. Whatever that doing it may be. 

 

And so, we almost have to live like we're dying in order to have a different perspective on how these young men are raised. And you know, you can look at your son, you can look at somebody else's son and you know the condition that they're in, in the event you're gone. And sometimes that's why you try so hard and that's why you give so much because you don't feel like he can handle it. You don't feel like he's ready and he's not. Especially if you feel that way, he's not. But I encourage you today to give him those opportunities to grow up, give them those opportunities. Because, you know what the young lady that I was talking about that passed away unexpectedly, her sons had to grow up, their father, he checked in periodically. And she had a house that was built, and the boys were able to stay in that house. And because they were big boys, they just were mentally little boys. And so, what happened is they ended up having to care for themselves. Of course, they went through grief and they had to process all of that. Oh my gosh, we're here alone or we don't have anybody to help take care of us. Because everybody else in the family had their own responsibilities and they really looked at them as men. And they can do for themselves. They may not have been able to do it you know, as age appropriate men, but they could do it. And so, as a result, they've had to do it. They've had to do it. And that was an eye opener for me.

 

And one of my friends, we thought, you know what? We better, you know, start really living like we're dying and we better start living and teaching these young men, all of our children, you know, for that matter as if they're on their own. You know, it's one thing to be protective and over-protective, but what would happen to them? I mean, some people feel like they can control their destiny, their lives by staying alive because they don't feel like their son can take care of themselves. You feel like you have to be here. You can't die yet because you have to be here to take care of him. Mom, you've got to prepare your son to take care of himself so that he can get in a position to take care of you if the need arises. 

 

God bless. Thank you. 

Have a great evening or have a great day. Bye bye.

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