Boundaries: Admit You Are Struggling to Raise Your Son

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Dr. Leslie: So welcome, welcome, welcome to our podcast today. And I am your host, Dr. Leslie from Dr. Leslie Inspires joined by Mr. Wayne on today. Mr. Wayne. Hello, how are you?

 

Mr. Wayne: Hello, Dr. Leslie, I'm fine. How about you?

 

Dr. Leslie: I'm awesome. And as you know Mr. Wayne always gives it to us from a male perspective. And so, on our podcast, we always want to empower, encourage and inspire mothers who are struggling to raise their sons. So now we're doing a podcast on setting boundaries with your son and many of the topics that we will discuss over the next several weeks will come from the concepts written in my book entitled "Setting Boundaries With Your Son" or the book "Setting Boundaries With Your African American Son". And by the way, they can be found on Amazon, or you can go online and find that if you like the topics that we talk about. And so, this matter that we're talking about, mothers struggling to raise their sons is important because having clear boundaries is necessary in order to have a healthy, balanced life.

 

And so, mothers who are struggling, probably lack boundaries, somewhere in their life specifically as we're discussing with their son. So clear cut boundaries are necessary. In my book, in chapter five, I really just talk about admitting that there's a problem. And yes, that is part of setting boundaries, first admitting that there's a problem. And so first I wanted to define a boundary. We talk about personal boundaries, personal boundaries are guidelines or rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone particularly their son passes those limits. So, Mr. Wayne, if we open up the conversation, talking about mothers, setting boundaries with their son by first admitting there's a problem. What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about admitting there's a problem.

 

Mr. Wayne: Very good question, thank you, Dr. Leslie. The first thing that comes to mind is the mother as the parent, have they done a good and honest job of being self-aware of where they are and the role they play as that parent? Because self-awareness is so important in order to establish true honesty and true boundaries. Because you have to have boundaries within yourself before you can administer those boundaries or those limits to their child. So just being self-aware and having a good honest conversation with self is key. And that will be the first and foremost thing that would come to mind.

 

Dr. Leslie:  That's good. That's good. You made some very, very important points and I want to add to that being self-aware also makes you aware of what's happening in your life and it makes you aware of what's happening around you, in your relationship. Because if you think about it, when you start to talk about make a decision and basically admitting there's a problem is you making the decision to say, I am aware that there is a problem. And then you have to identify where the problem is. Most of the mothers that we work with, identify the problem as being with their son. And that's why you're here today. So, for a moment, I just want our listeners to take the focus off of their son, just for a moment. And like you said, raise the level of awareness with their selves. So, let me go back to my book for a second. Admit there's a problem, you can begin to solve your problem when you admit that you have one, this is not about your son right now. This is about you. That's a hard pill to swallow, would you say Mr. Wayne?

 

Mr. Wayne: Absolutely. And the issues go both ways. And the fact that the parent is able to identify with a son, that there is an issue is good, but if they don't understand that the issue also resides within themselves, it's not good. It goes both ways because the issue is developed with the son due to symptoms that have gone untreated. And I'll say that again, symptoms that have gone untreated, meaning they have had indicators where something doesn't sound right, but they've let it go and let it go and let it go. And then the problem grows and grows. And now it becomes an issue without understanding that the problem exists within not just with the sun.

 

Dr. Leslie: That is good. One of the exercises that I give in the book, is admitting there's a problem. It says, after taking into consideration everything that you have read in this book, what have you decided is the problem and what are you going to do about it? Use a journal to complete the assignments. Think about when your son was younger, how you may have enabled him in various situations, think and journal why you believe you did it. Was there an incident in his life that you felt guilty about and you somehow overcompensated? Write about it. Don't stop writing or crying until you feel empty. This exercise is to build your reality check so that you can get real with yourself so that you can get on the road to getting your peace and your joy back. And so, when we talk about just dumping and thinking when mothers come to Dr. Leslie inspires, they may already know that there is something going on and there is a problem with their son. But once you start to really think about the challenges that your son is having, what we want you to do is to start to take some personal responsibility for some of the things, no matter what it is. Find out the role that you have played in this problem, as you are dumping, as you are releasing yourself from the inside out to really tell yourself and to do some self-talk that there's a problem. There is a problem. So, Mr. Wayne, when I just read some things about just dumping and trying to remember everything that that mom can think about, write it down, journal it, which is one of the strategies that we use.

 

We want her to just think about everything that she can possibly think about, and we know that it can't happen all in one day. But there's a lot of hurt and pain associated with mothers who are struggling to raise their sons. What would you tell a mother as she is trying to really just come to grips with when there's a problem? Whether she's identified as with her or with her son, what would you say to her as she is dumping and trying to recall some things so that she can begin the healing process?

 

Mr. Wayne: What a great question again. One of the first things I would recommend definitely with their sons is to not let any small thing go unnoticed or undocumented, any slip of the lip or disrespectful tone, any smirk, all of those things are very important because son should be raised as a princess in preparation to be a King. And the King needs to understand how to take care of his queen. And a Prince should definitely take care of his princess as heirs of the throne. So, it's important that once they veer off track that the mother identifies the problem and counsels her son because at the end of the day, we want relief, we want peace, we want justice, if you will. So that there will be a relief for that son and that the issues were get resolved. Legal parties have the same as called justice delayed is justice denied. And it's very similar here. The longer you delay identifying the problem, you deny your son and yourself as it relates to your own peace as a mother dealing with that problem and having much better outcomes in life.

 

Dr. Leslie: Oh wow. You're saying some good stuff today. That is so, so true. Thank you for that feedback. As we close this show admitting there's a problem setting boundaries. It all goes together. Admitting that there's a problem, remember is the first step to fixing the problem. You cannot fix the problem until you know that there is one. And a lot of mothers that we work with are in some form of denial as to their role, the role that they played in this situation. And so, as we close today, we just want you to remember to go ahead and journal, go ahead and just dump out whatever comes to your mind about what's going on with you, what's bothering you. What is it that you're doing? What is it that your son is doing to bring you to a place that's robbing of your peace?

 

And that's making you say something is wrong. Because we want to get deep into you admitting that there's a problem. And then going deeper to admit what the problem is. And so, over the next few weeks, we want you to tune into our podcasts so that as we go through the book, "Setting Boundaries With Your Son" you can begin to identify some of the things where you may be struggling to have clear cut boundaries with your son, to help to raise him as that Prince that Mr. Wayne talked about so that he could be a king. And if you start to treat him like a Prince now, you're actually opening the door to help him understand the boundaries that he will need to learn how to treat his princess and ultimately his queen. And so, you're that queen right now. You're that princess for him right now. So, if he doesn't understand boundaries with you, he's definitely not going to understand those boundaries with other females that he may come in contact with. So, as we close, Mr. Wayne, do you have any closing remarks?

 

Mr. Wayne: I think you said it well. And I would just add to that to remain consistent, because there will be times when correction is done and you will see good results, but if you're not consistent on your path and in your strategy, you could fall back into similar or unwanted behaviors. So, remain consistent because it is a journey. It doesn't happen overnight. So, stay the course.

 

Dr. Leslie: Yes. So, as we close, we're going to go ahead and start in prayer because we're believing God for the healing of your mind, the healing of your soul, the healing of your body, those of you that may be having stressful situations. We just pray right now, so Mr. Wayne, can you go ahead and close us out in prayer?

 

Mr. Wayne: Absolutely. Father God, in the name of Jesus, we come before you just to lift you up and say, thank you, God. Thank you for knowing us for who we are and knowing our hearts and knowing that our heart is to serve others and help others. God help the mothers to continue to grow and minister to their sons, identify issues, and partner with their sons to make them the princes and the kings of this world. We know that is your desire as we continue to build kingdoms, and we ask that you will bless us with those principles and implement those principles in a godly fashion. We thank you that is in your son Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

 

Dr. Leslie: Amen. Thank you all. And we will see you next week. Have a good one. 

 

 

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